The Shape of their war
by tamarindblue
Summary: Finn may not be as strong in the force as Rey or Ren but he can still probe and it gives him something. What they continue to share is something deep and complex , like dark matter. It binds them, Finn realises. It scatters them, aligns them, never to be seen, never to separate them or let them go. "This is not a monopoly between the both of you, this is not a fight for revenge"
1. Whomever fit to survive

**Chapter 5: Whomever fit to survive.**

In Retrospect, Sometimes she wishes she had stayed on Jakku .  
At least in Jakku she could see the end of everything, a desolate grave in the middle of the desert and the weights .. the stakes hung around her neck weren't this high.  
She was a nobody .. and sometimes being a nobody is everything one should be.

* * *

She slays him a thousand times in his dreams and he stands helpless, he doesnot even scream in a scene so familiar on a narrow bridge plunged in darkness. A light sabre and a dimly lit chamber and "Anything, Rey" then she ignites it and it pierces through his flesh ... he falls, he keeps falling and he never reaches the ground. His screams are strangled in his throat as he wakes up in an icy cot and a room, always so foreign that he takes a moment to recognise. It is dark ... It is lonely and he isnot sure if he was the one dreaming or she was.

And so he distracts himself by whatever lingering beyond their Galaxy .. the Jedi, they never really bothered to consider and the empire was too busy exterminating any source of opposition to think about whatever lies beyond.  
but Ren has always sensed it was ugly .. Ren knew it was bidding its time to manifest and perhaps conquest this galaxy so ripped apart and torn by years of civil war and instability.  
He is a son of a politician after all, he knows better the inevitable.

* * *

The New republic was chasing after her that she knew, sure they hadnot put a bounty on her head .. for they weren't that stupid, after all she was a Jedi and has been a resistance hero and is still for many. She doesn't think there is another reason though or rather she wouldn't dwell on it.

And she stays off the radar for quite sometime before she is found by the second least person whom she wanted to be found by.

"I believe we have never met in pereson before, Rey"  
'Hux' She recognised And before she could lunge, he gestured the rest of his ... Troops? to advance.

"It's general Hux to you" his voice was filled with imposition, authority that she admits fazed her a little. things didn't work like that in the resistance. The only one whom they bothered calling by a certain honorific was the late general Organa and according to Poe, it didn't end up so well when someone tried to instill some order and hierarchy in the resistance.  
"It seems that all force users are quite temperamental though honestly given your tactics and prowess in the war I thought you were much calmer, much more in control than the insufferable fool. Yes, Rey?"

"It is Jedi for you" She indignantly replied  
'So it was true, they were in discordance all along' she always thought that the rumours of the tension between Ren and Hux were a ploy instigated by the first order to diverge the resistance.  
"I have a proposition you shouldn't refuse" It turned out it was not his proposition to begin with.

* * *

'It isn't too late'  
He hears her voice clear in his head . It is funny how things have changed, Ben muses.  
'It isn't too late' he pleads for her to listen, to respond.  
Nothing, nothing comes from her side and his mind conjures the what ifs, what if she is caught and what if she isn't and they are both as equally terrifying and suddenly Luke makes sense, his dilemma at least, his parents make sense and everything he looked down upon with both amusement and desdain makes utter sense.  
'Come back, Come back even if not to me or for me, but just come back. Things , they aren't the same as they used to. Things are orderly , well organised. It is turning out well, Rey. this joint governance is turning out just fine."

* * *

Hux, She learns, isnot the empty head she used to think he is, In fact, she has been yet naïve again to imagine him as a barbaric uncivilised disorganised general. He is calculative, he is cold and he is in fact quite intelligent ... the making of a great sith, had he got the force potential.  
'Maybe, that is why he didn't have it in the first place, such mind, such pride with such power yields indomitable tyranny.'  
One thing their galaxy isn't deficient in.  
"So, let me just sum this up, you want me to help you rally people against Ren, so another galaxy can conquer him then reinstate you as emperor"  
"Supreme leader"  
"Whatever .. under their reign"  
"Exactly"  
"And what gain will I have from this?"  
"Revenge for a starter for your lovely pilot whom he killed in the war, Revenge for Han Solo ... and you might be surprised this Galaxy shares a whole lot of ideals with the former resistance"  
'They wouldn't have hired you if they do'  
"And what choice do I have in this?"  
"In fact" Hux rose to full height from the chair opposite to her in the interrogation room "You have no choice in this at all, you will do what they like willingly or not"  
"It will take more than your empty threats to scare me"  
"I know, you are a force user after all, a Jedi" However he proceeded " Those folks are much stronger than you, much advanced so you can take whatever force you have and toss it down the drain."  
And out of the blue ,against all common sense she remembered Poe, how he used to mock Hux's exaggerated thespian sense and couldn't help but smile.  
She even remembered Ren's whining while he was listening to his speeches.  
"Oh, you are so full of yourself"  
"I will take that as a NO"  
She prepared to leave, knowing very well she will have to fight her way to.  
Yet, she wasn't prepared to lose.  
They were force resistant.  
She was Captive.


	2. The war between us

_**Chapter 4**_

 _ **The war between us: Yielding to you**_

There is a storm within that is not dying soon. It keeps on raging. It is Precarious, haphazard and dangerous, Finn senses. The scariest part, its core is one of their own.  
The intensity of battles, the range of strikes have increased beyond logical, beyond comprehensible.  
The order on one side, the resistance on the other, Rey strikes just as hard, Rey has become used to collateral damage. What was normal for Hux is becoming normal for Rey and it isn't a good sign, not in the least. It is losing them: supporters, supplies and ground.  
Finn may not be as strong in the force as Rey or Ren but he can still probe and it gives him something in turn.  
Rey is not fine.  
But Ren ... he is changing.  
Whatever comes out of Ren is a hue of calm deep blue, vastly different from Rey's. Rey's Aura is an electric blue, haywire and it is ready to ignite anything that stands its way, the once hopeful spark in her had turned into something eerie, almost mad.  
Yet, what they continue to share is something deep, deep and complex , like dark matter. It binds them, Finn realises. It scatters them, aligns them, never to be seen, never to separate them or let them go.  
Ren and Rey are tired of hoping, withered by guilt: Han, Poe .. a galaxy they pulled further apart instead of stitching it back together and other anonymous things between them, loose, tainted and unresolved.  
 _'Oh Rey, where are you heading to?' Finn mused_

* * *

He searches for her beneath the rubble of the past, beneath layers of sand. Something has died in Rey even if she claims not, even if she doesnot swap sides.  
Rey's ploy is more dangerous, she is aiming for a paradigm shift, turning the resistance into the former empire and as peculiar as it might seem, as much hatred he harbours for the republic, he isnot a fanboy of the empire either.  
'A new order' that is what he has always wanted.

He knows the resistance is not as strong as it used to be under Leia and Poe's reign, there is disorder in their lines as much as in his with the constant tug of war between him and Hux, it is reflected in their faltering strategies, their chaotic raids and the streams of blood that do not stop.  
The sane part of his mind knows it can not go on like this, it cannot and it is brewing something .. only if it works.  
Only if the resistance is receptive.

* * *

When Finn receives the communication from Kylo Ren, all hell breaks loose.  
Rey is furious to say the least, she is even adamant against listening to the delegated messenger and Finn knows it is time to knock some common sense in her.  
"Are you out of your mind?"  
"Rey, things can not be taken the way you do, not now, not anymore"  
"You actually want to sit down with them, after all this, after all what they had done .."  
"Listen Rey, every party is as guilty in this as the other, let me remind you the last few years, we weren't any better than Hux"  
"They forced us to retaliate this way"  
"Now, they arenot. I can sense it, Rey. They aren't trying to buy time, they aren't manuovering. Kylo Ren wants to end this and not the way Hux wants"  
"Are you willing to give up on all those we had lost, Poe .. Jessika and everyone just like this? Are you willing to lose to him?"  
"I don't want to lose other people to this war"  
"I am not giving up on this, on the resistance, its vision and all those who had died, Finn. I am not"  
"Are you sure it is all about the resistance?"  
"What are you hinting at?"  
"Rey, are you sure this isnot about you? are you sure it isn't personal? Let me remind you , you were Ren's most vocal sympathiser. You had compassion for him. What happened Rey? Is it about Ren Or Do you feel guilty about Poe, Perhaps?"  
Rey was taken aback by his jab. Her face, it turned a dangerous hue of red.

"Rey, this is not a monopoly between the both of you, this is not a fight for revenge"  
but before he could continue, Rey's hand landed on his face as she spit back "Weak, you have always been weak"  
"Whatever you think. Here are the facts: Ren is what stands between the galaxy and the bloodthirsty Hux. Sitting down with him is what the majority of resistance deems right, so we are negotiating with the Order. Accept this , Rey." Finn said with finality.

* * *

Her signature that night was searing, Rey was here to fight, Rey was here to scar.  
"Today, Finn said the most absurd of things"

She sounded like a drunk would to him , and perhaps she was. However she was, Ben knew he would have to play along with her, level with her until she gets whatever it is out of her system.  
"What did he say?"  
"He said you want to end the war .. he said I was your biggest sympathiser, was I?"  
"Maybe , in the past"  
"And we should let the past die, right? Kill it if we have to?  
"Yes"  
"Like you killed Han, Like you killed Poe"  
"You think I killed Poe on purpose?!"  
"You think?" she wryly replied. Ren noted how things have changed between them. She doesn't blow up the way she used to, This Rey maintains a calm façade all along. Her emotions are bottled up, no longer does she carry them on her sleeve.  
"This is not about you, Rey or Me. The pilot" he stresses "was a casualty of war, like any other. He was of strategic importance, none the less as your leader and general"  
"I will never forgive Luke for having hesitated that night" she lamented, voice dripping with phoney sweetness "Imagine, How many lives we could have spared if you were gone"  
She knocked the air out of his lungs by those mere words.  
Everything stood still between them abruptly. A void stood between them, transcending time. He couldn't retaliate. He could not find anything to throw back at her and she revelled this.  
"I can't believe how the tables turned, Ren. Look who is taunting whom"  
"Does it make you happy, all this? Tell me, Rey. Will it bring them back?" he carried on speaking "and again, let me tell you this: even if I didn't exist, this war wouldn't have stopped, It existed before me and others will ensue after it, if not in this era, then in another, only the faces would have changed."  
"There is no face as cruel as yours"  
"Your naivety stuns me still, Rey. Do you know what Snoke was capable of doing? what Hux is capable of ? Do you know how many a battle I have waged against him, how many I will to pass on this truce, these negotiations? You have no Idea"  
"It doesn't matter, you always have your way with everything"  
"Not everything, I never had my way with you" he smiled

"Well, you said you will break me, and here we are. Congratulations, Everything I have fought for, everything that I have ever loved, everything is going along your way"  
"You know, I never meant it in the past. Believe it or not, I never wanted it."  
"The damage is already done"  
"Rey, wherever ground you put, wherever ground I put will never be home for us, whatever state or regiment established will not be for us. We are outcasts. we are lost. Nothing is left for us. Not anymore. At least join me, not to find answers nor to find hope or home or even each other, just to end this, only to end it. Please"  
She didn't answer, she simply broke the connection and blocked him. He couldn't guess what she was thinking, if she could see the rationale or sincerity in his words.  
 _'I hope you understand soon enough ... one day'_

* * *

The negotiations were running surprisingly with ease and an entente seemed to be in foresight between both the Order and the resistance yet during which two major shifts had occurred in lines of both parties.  
Hux defected from the order.  
And Rey dissented from the resistance.


	3. Tearing you apart

**Chapter** **3: Tearing you apart: The pain of losing you**

There is a scratch in her heart, an invisible fissure .. Rey does not feel whole, yet all around her, everything is, everything is complete and lonely is not an option, even if she feels it, Loneliness is an inevitability as much as hiding it from everyone, Poe included.  
 _'I am with, Poe, Remember. I am with the resistance'_ It is a mantra she repeats to herself whenever Loneliness creeps up on her, whenever the invisible shadow tries to visit or crosses her mind.  
She stares at the distance, for how long has she been staring? Since the beginning of this war. It has been long and the war has made her weary, the war has made everybody weary.  
"Quite the scene, is not it?"  
"Poe"  
"You have always loved those planets, Naboo .. Takonada"  
It occurs to her, she never paid much attention to what he loves. Poe overwhelms people whether with his flamboyance, hopefulness or courage and as much as he tries to appear suave., It never works. People never notice any other thing about him and maybe that is his gift or rather his curse.  
Poe is the stark contrast to the calm reclusive B.. Ren.  
"How about you? what kind of planets you like?"  
"Same. Who wouldn't like such greenery, such clear sparkling water and warmth? Can you see the horizon, the twilight, Rey? There is nothing more beautiful, except for you, of course" he says quickly, matter of fact

"Well, that is flattering"  
"Naturally" he nods it off simply as Rey smiles.

The twilight was fading and the night, it was setting in. Nights were short on those planets compared to Hoth, or Jakku as different their weathers might imply.  
"You are tired, aren't you?" Poe asks

"No, I amno.."  
"It has been too long, now and it is still tie between us"  
"It isnot your fault, Poe"  
"yes, but It is only human to feel tired of all this" he motions with his hands "Rey, this war , it started for you, for your likings and Finn and Rose and Jessika. This war was meant to bring the prosperity, freedom and happiness that the galaxy has so long awaited. This war is meaningless if it makes us this miserable, if it reaps more than it benefits"  
"And do you think that this war is?"  
"I don't know, anymore. There are a lot of things that I don't know Rey about a lot of issues, you included"  
"and what is it that you don't know about me?"

"For one, what is it your favourite colour? Another thing, how do you eat that much albeit it never shows on you? Is that a Jedi thing?"  
Rey's eyes narrowed at him, teeth barred, face twisting into some ugly sneer.  
"Alright, Alright I get it" he raised his hands into submission as Rey laughed, leave it to Poe to make jokes and he wouldn't stop. In fact, Poe had the ability to make the heaviest of matters as light as feather, a phoney attitude he wears of 'the devil may care' however much he does.

Maybe growing up in such mess, such grave conditions of having everything always on the line, drove him to this. One may never know.  
"But, seriously Rey, there is a lot of things that I don't know .. like this perpetual feeling of loss in you, this loneliness that nothing can breach"  
"I don't feel like th.."  
"Rey, we already established you are too transparent to hide anything from people who know you, people who love you"  
"I ... I think it has something to do with how I grew up, how my parents abandoned me. It isnot something easy to let go"  
"There is always a longing in your eyes, something unspoken akin to thirst that nothing seems to quench .. that I can't quell"  
"Don't say this, Poe. Don't ever say this. There is no better leader for this rebellion, no better man for me"  
"It isnot about better or worse, Rey. It is about what you need"  
"I only ever need you and Finn and Rose and this"  
Poe smiled sadly at her _'We both know it isnot true'_  
"Poe, everything is fine, as long as we are here together. we can do everything, anything can be fixed" she assured  
"Hux is getting crazier everyday. The raids .. the battles. Even the places they don't hit, they effectively seize them and cut them off the rest of the galaxy. it looks like they want to end this war as soon as possible."  
"Those past years don't seem ' as soon as possible' to me"  
"In wars like ours, battles can extend to decades upon decades, centuries and light years. And I don't know if wanting to end it fast is the best or worst thing they have decided"  
"I don't understand"  
"Whereas destruction in short term wars is massive and there is no distinction in what is being targeted, the animosities are not well established, the death toll is lesser than long term wars where age old rifts are nurtured and the death toll rises slowly but steeper. In short, Reconstruction after short term war, establishing a state is much easier than in long term"  
"I don't agree. I mean, long term wars are exhaustive. both sides bend the knee in the end agreeing to whatever settlement proposed just to finish it. After all nobody wants to rule some burnt wasteland"  
 _'I am afraid that is where we might be heading'_ he grimly mused "Anyways, we have to do what is best for the galaxy, right Rey?"  
"Right"  
He stared Longly at her. There was an innocence in her that lures people in, a fire in her eyes .. stamina and resolve that prompts people to fight, to hold onto her.  
"Why are you staring this way?" She asked

"Nothing" Poe moved closer to her, taking her face in his hands, he leant towards her forehead, brushing his lips against it softly

"I am sorry, Rey. I am sorry this isnot what you expected when you left Jakku. When you joined us. When you stayed with us .. with me. I am sorry I am not the belonging you seek"  
Before she could answer him, before she could tell him this is a thousand times better than the obscurity and nothingness that was Jakku, better than she expected, he left her, walking away in steady long strides.  
 _'I am sorry I made you feel this way, Poe'_  
At this moment, she didn't know who she should despise more, him or herself.  
The truth is, she might have given up on him but what is left of him, spoils her mind, spoils everything for her. Truth is Poe doesn't deserve to feel this way.  
Truth is ...

She doesn't see Poe after this encounter, ever.

* * *

The rage, something burns him that night. It is a pain, a loss and something irrational.  
Ben hasnot felt like this since very long. Ben has been worn out, resigned. Everything had been sniffled within him by the heavy blue, the rage, the betrayal. Kylo Ren works on autopilot, through a mechanical push to go on, to finish what was started. At least, this he could do, Finish this. Not for himself, he is a lost cause but for the good of the Galaxy.

He hears a voice, no shrieks that he recognises so well and something is ignited within him.

 _'Could it be ..'_

 _Their bond had been dead silent for the past years save for bare glimpses whenever one of them is overcome with a certain emotion. Whenever he tried to reach, he would find a wall, a dam between them effectively blocking her out from him._

He feels something familiar, familiar but not necessarily comforting or welcome. Something is being torn apart but not in him, in her. Something is withering in her rapidly and dimming.

"I will kill you for this" She vows clearly in his head

"What is this that you would kill me for?" he calmly demands.

He does not get the answer from her though. their connection is cut short by General Hux barging in to meet him, to announce that _'The impertinent pilot, the resistance so called general Poe has perished in battle'._

He understands, Now.


	4. Moving on from you

_**Chapter 2: Moving on from you: the colour of Sadness**_

The war, it turned out, between the resistance and New order would not come to an end anytime soon. In fact it seems like it has just started. It is a moment that resurrects itself far too often, eternally even, the commencement of war.  
The order may have the artillery, all kinds of it: Heavy and light . The order may have structure but as good as an advantage that could mean, it made it sluggish .. bureaucratic in most of its approaches.  
The resistance on the other hand had nothing but very light arms, very little machinery and very few recruits but it was agile.  
Both sides , however, seemed unable to connect to the inhabitants of the torn Galaxy, to gain ground. People were essentially exhausted, tired of war and high moral benchmarks that only ever led to nothing if not to more destruction. They were tired of both repression and disinhibition. They were sick of both order and Chaos so it was hard for both sides to capitalise on them, Leaders of both warring sides realised that.

* * *

It has been a year since they last spoke, before their connection was upheld. He is aware of this, he has been aware every second of it. This consciousness, this yearning is what reminds him that he is still Human.  
However, he does not attempt to reach out for her, he is resolute in his decision. He is Merciless in his self inflicted torture.  
 _'Last time, though, she came to you, remember. She reached out for you and all you did was humiliate her'_  
But sometimes, some rare times, he senses her. Fragments of warmth and a myriad of other things, sounds and weary eyes, yet everything revolves around a speckle of loneliness, a muffled note in the sea of sounds. It does not last. It is but an outburst, a flash of lightening that ends as soon as it strikes.  
Those are the times his mind conjures up deserts, made of hope, doubts, sand and ice. She takes his hand, holds onto it and they walk the bleak deserts. They cross them together. They reach a place where they are not torn apart, where they don't strive for survival.  
But he shakes the thought away as soon as it starts consuming him. There is no room for this now. He chose his path and she chose hers and where hers is an iteration of the past, a longing for an era that led to decadence, the catastrophe that is their world, his .. is forged along new lines, new means. His is realistic in its approach and its tackle.  
His is bound to prevail.

* * *

Rey learns never to get too attached, never hope or expect. Companionship, attachments never end well in War.  
But For some people, it is already too late, she is too involved, too attached and truth is: whenever they lose someone, it hurts her somewhat, it hurts someone and she wonders if it is the same in the order, she wonders if he feels the troopers' pain.  
 _'No, He does not let himself, it will crush him'._  
But she reminds herself everyday that they have to fight for the greater good.  
They have to fight for the fallen.  
And each day, they tally another group.  
"Rey ... Rey, is everything alright?"  
Poe's voice nudges her out of her trance, startles her a little.

"Nothing"  
"You are far too good a liar for a Jedi"  
She giggled just a little.  
"I was thinking about us"  
Poe raised an eyebrow as he smiled. Poe Dameron wasn't above teasing her or Finn or even the uptight stout good for nothing Gen. Hux, anybody for what matters. His eyes, Rey noted, twinkled as he did. In a second, he reverted back to the old Poe, the pilot of the resistance instead of the burdened Vice general he now was.  
"I meant the Resistance and our allies" she firmly clarified

"Wouldn't mind it another way, though"  
"There is another battle coming on, is not there?"  
"We don't decide this, Rey. You know we don't. However, I wouldn't hope so, anytime soon. we barely managed to scrap a few TIE Fighters"  
"Look at you, Poe. All those things I heard about you, the daredevil impulsive Poe, you sound nothing like this, right now"  
"Yeah, Look at me. Nothing ever stays the same" his eyes, they moved from her face to the distance before them.  
"Did I say something wrong?"  
"Of course not ,Rey. It is just sometimes I want to go back to being old Poe. Sometimes, I feel guilty about Holdo, about Leia. How I used to judge them. Now, that it is me in their shoes, I am becoming more cautious, more like them. Tell me, is it a good or bad thing, Rey?"  
"Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes it is good to be cautious. It lowers the toll of destruction. Sometimes, Caution is a disaster, a hindrance in its own right. But Poe, You are doing a great Job. Everybody is"  
"Thank you" He smiled again, brightly and without teasing this time and she could not help but smile back at him.  
"Rey, I wanted to talk to you about something else."  
"Go on"  
"It is not about ... the war"  
Rey widened her eyes at him expectedly while he resumed "It is about ... us"  
"Us?"  
"Yes, like you and me. Hanging out, cozying up ... Stuff like this." He was fumbling with words, Rey realised. He was .. unsure of himself, Poe Dameron and honestly it was a scene to behold, it was both comical and endearing and she couldn't help but burst out in laughter.  
"Poe Dameron, are you asking me out?"  
He lowered his head to the ground, looking every inch dejected and insecure "Look, I know you are supposed to be a Jedi and everything, but you are still in training and I heard the codes have been changed"  
Suddenly, it hit her, the gravity of it: Poe wanted to date her, Poe Dameron wanted to date her and she didn't know how to answer, whether she should accept or refuse.  
The air has been knocked out of her lungs.  
"it has nothing to do with the Jedi code" she managed to blurt

"So?" he looked expectedly

 _'Oh God, oh God' she mentally panted_  
"Rey, Do you need time to think it over?" he picked on the hint

"Yes, please"  
"Look, if you don't like this, it is fine with me, Rey. You don't have to feel awkward or obliged in this"  
"I know, Poe. I know"  
"So, I will see around?"  
"Yes ... and Poe, thank you, for everything"  
"For what? Rey, we are comrades before all. Besides, you are the one holding all this together."

* * *

Her thoughts are treacherous.  
Rey knows she shouldn't displace Poe's face, Poe's eyes. She knows she shouldn't imagine someone else's eyes in their place and Reality Check: An enemy's in Poe's stead, an enemy who humiliated her and took her for a fool but How can she control something like this?

 _'You are nothing, Rey' he taunts_

'Stupid, Stupid, Rey' she mentally bangs her head _._

* * *

The loneliness is not satiated, however much it eats from one's soul and honestly, the thoughts that come uninvited , that infest him in the wake of loneliness don't help him either.  
 _'Perhaps this, this connection as twisted and sick as it is, as tainted as you made it through your lies and manipulation was your only chance, your last salvage from the Loneliness that is eating you alive. and perhaps, I was your only chance'_

* * *

The causalities of their war aren't faceless. He realises with a heavy heart.  
Or perhaps, he has known all along.  
 _The momentum of the impact threw him off balance, something scalded him, something heavy fell onto him_  
She was under attack.  
"The girl is Down" Hux bellowed victoriously

 _'She is alive'_ He could feel _'She is alive but barely'_  
His surrounding shifted, their bond has flared to life for all the right or the wrong reasons

 _"Rey, Hang on" The resistance pilot was shouting over the booms, as he tried to make way for himself among the rubble, beneath the missiles._

"Stop the raids. Fall back" Kylo Ren frantically ordered as Hux looked disbelievingly at him "But sir .."  
"Stop it now"  
"You are laying everything we have been doing to waste" Hux objected

"I will not repeat myself second time." Kylo Ren sniggered at him  
Hux indignantly marched out of the control room muttering something about _'not the way to win a war, wasting a second chance, and weak_ ' but for the time, he couldn't care less.  
And for once he found himself bidding her to resist.

* * *

Staying in the Medbay was surprisingly nice.  
The place was plain, primitive even but at the same time clean, sterile and warm and she could find an excuse to mop around all day with BB-8 by her side. She wasnot above that.  
Her idle mood however tensed when she sensed something very subtle trying to sneak up on her, inexistent even

"You don't have to try to cloak yourself every time you want to visit, I can sense you however you hide"  
"You are getting better, I see"  
"Yes"  
Silence stretched between them for moments before she resumed "You have been so lonely"  
"And, haven't you?"  
"Not as much as you have been, Ben"  
"Does it give you satisfaction?"  
"It doesn't"  
And again, they were at an impasse

"Thank you, for stopping the raid" she found herself saying

"You fall, I fall , matter of fact" There was a hint of pleasantness in his voice, a mere hint "besides, my offer still stands, join me and let's end this once and for all"  
He knew he said the wrong thing as she slipped back to defensive mode "You shouldn't be here"  
"I missed you" the calm fervor by which he said it took her by surprise

 _'you are the one holding all this together'_ she found Poe's voice resonating in her head.  
"What? trying to manipulate me a second time?  
"You know I was lying"  
"Which time exactly? I have lost count, the bounds between what is true and what isn't about you is always blurred, Ben"  
He couldn't answer to this

"Ben, I am tired. I am tired of all this and I can't carry your weight along. I can't always be looking out for you, sorting the mess in your soul and I don't know how to bridge the rift inside you or bring the edges back together" She pleaded  
"Do you think that I am enjoying this? that I am happy to be torn, broken apart like this?" he lashed out at her "Do you think any of this is easier for me than it is for you? Do you think or perhaps hope that if I join you here this war is going to end? Well, I will let you in on something, this war is perpetual, it is far greater than the both of us"  
"So why are always so adamant on me joining you if this war will never end?"  
"It is different. I want you to snap out of the past, Rey. We can't keep iterating the past loop and expect different outcomes. I want you to help me break this cycle" "Funny, you do everything the old empire used to do then speak to me about abandoning the past"  
"The order isn't the empire"  
"This is leading nowhere .. I will never leave my place here and you will never do the same. The ink is dry" She flinched a little bit, this argument has taken a toll on her recovering wounds.

"Look, I shouldn't have started this, Rey. You need to rest. I will take to my leave"

"Ben ... Or Kylo, I am sorry, I really am"

 _He takes down the walls around his mind and lets her peer through while he does the same, he sees her with her friends, he sees her with the pilot. She is not entirely happy but she is OK._

 _'Me too'_

 _'Don't come back' he hears her unvoiced request_ _'I am letting you go'_

 _'What do you mean?'_

 _'I mean, don't make this war harder for the both of us. I am finding a way out of this bond.'_

 _'You can't'_

 _'I will'_

 _'So this is the last time, then?'_

 _He on his part doesn't feel angry, can't feel angry at the moment even as he wants to._

 _What he feels is something different than anger, strikingly different and more profound that he doubts it isn't his, he doubts he isn't himself. It is Melancholy, like no other. Is it emanating from her or from him or maybe from the both of them?_

 _The sadness soaks him, seeps through his bone._

 _He doesn't know how to handle sadness, Anger he knows well, anger is his best friend whether when it is red hot, burning through his flesh, rigid blue freezing up his soul or white searing through his mind. Loneliness, he learnt to live with that but this_ ...

 _The bond is severed and their connection is dimmed. The sadness, it dims out, fades on his side and she now feels a void in its place. From his side, she feels nothing. What remains is her share of blue._

* * *

Anger slowly makes its way back to his heart, however it doesn't drive the sadness away this time.

 _'Anger will not always be on your side'_

The sadness perpetuates itself, haunts him in the form of her eyes, in the form of Han's eyes and his mothers'.

Sadness predates on him as much as loneliness and rage do.

"End this" he instructs Hux "End this war"


	5. The Fall from grace

**_Chapter 1: The Fall from grace: Mettle and Resolutions_**

"Your naivety will get the best of you, Rey"  
"But Finn ..."  
She should have expected the backlash she would get after telling him what had happened on the Island, on starbase and everything in between and maybe she was as naive as he said.  
"Listen Rey, how do you know he hasnot been playing you all along, I mean he is a masterclass force user, a manipulator, he is a chamleon and probably could swipe back and forth between masks: Kylo ren ... Ben or whatever"  
"Finn, he killed Snoke. he sliced him in half instead of killing me, he didn't."  
"It doesnot prove anything, he did it to usurp him"  
"He didn't try to kill me afterwards"  
"Maybe at that point, he thought you would join him. I highly doubt he'd do this now"  
His reasoning was weak, but hers was even weaker.  
Her mind was a real mess like the nebulas above.  
Maybe Finn has a point, the rational part of herself argued , that all she did was buy an act but what she feels .. what she felt, he wasn't playing anything or bending it on his part. He was real, every single thing he said .. he says is real and it scares her enough, his last thoughts as the falcon's door was shut.

 _'I will break you'_

 _'You are too arrogant for your own good'_

 _'Gently, though'_

* * *

He is supreme leader.

He is supreme leader and it feels foreign, heavy. He does not sleep, not that he used to but between reshuffling the New Order, curbing Hux's ambitions and ensuring everything is under control, he has become acutely aware of it.  
Yet, she still chases him in the forest, closing in on him every time his mind strays adrift. She is there when he is alone, when he gives orders, when his thoughts align or scatter around one thing, which is always her.  
She is there with him, she strains him and consumes him and he knows he is not with her, she could not be thinking about him, she would not allow it.  
Out of the two, she is the one with the stronger mind, despite wearing her inner self on her sleeve; maybe that is the very same reason why her mind is more in control than his, it takes less toll on one's mind to be open, less toll but more risk.  
it aggravates him, riles him up even more like a skewer of red iron searing through his mind.

She betrayed him. She drew the light saber first and she abandoned him, and he does not know which is worse having let her in on himself or her leaving him behind with such resolve, burnt forever in his mind, shutting the doors between them the way she did.  
She manipulated him. She hurt him and he will never let her again.

* * *

Rey thinks about him late at night, those drowsy moments when her mind is off guard, unfilled, unconsumed with thoughts about the resistance, about Finn and lately about Poe.  
He chases her in the vast deserts of Jakku. He chases away sleep as it comes and sometimes, he chases the remenants of loneliness in her heart.  
Afterall, They both have a lonely streak, creeping under their skin, meshed within their bones. They have lived with it for so long that they feel incomplete, listless without it and it doesnot fade away, it never does.  
Except for once, in a stormy night, on an island nowhere and it didnot feel absurd then.  
How is he doing? what if Finn was right? what if he has been manipulating her , luring her in to the darkside, to him. After all he let her down. She thought he changed but he didn't and it broke her heart.  
What is this between them? this connection, the way it ebbs and falls linking them together with such fine line. It has been dormant for a while now, ever since crait and she doubts, Maybe Snoke was right, Maybe he created this bond and Maybe he was using them both to his advantage

' _And Maybe he knew of it, maybe he willingly took part in this'_  
Yet, Why did he look at her as though she plunged the saber into his heart?  
Sometimes in their world, it is hard to define who manipulated whom.

The questions come unbidden between the moment a Hurricane rips everything apart in its wake then dies, and their minds, their hearts were no less unbound, no less destructive or vicious than Hurricanes, than solar storms.

One thing for sure however: It irks her; the stagnant draw between them and she laments. She laments shutting him off the way she did.

How many a time she tried to prod him, to ask for answers, she lost count.  
She tries to reach him those times when she feels the anguish washing over her, flooding her.

It is those moments she knows he is losing control, those moments she anticipates the worst in battle, those moments she knocks harder on the steel wall he erected around his mind, those moments she feels like she wants to contain him, to drown his rage, cleanse him in those famous waters of Naboo she has heard so much about from Leia.  
Yet, he shuns her, pushes her away with such might he possesses, with such leaden resolve.  
It saddens her, him having such resolve in all the wrong ways.

* * *

Sometimes, on frozen nights like this, when he is on hoth, nights when he remembers Han, when her remembers Luke, nights when against his will, he longs for her companionship, that pain becomes too much to hold and handle and the walls around his mind are cracked and breached.  
"I knew you would come around, eventually" she quips

"I don't need your presence here, scavenger"  
"I can feel your pain you know, your spite and everything and I doubt you don't need me here tonight" he can feel challenging him, the edge in her voice and today he is determined not to lose to her again.  
He gathers the helms of himself, breathes in and prepares to lunge, to prey on her giddiness and her doubts, to break her and reduce her to nothing

 _'You are nothing, Rey'_

"What if it was just a trap? what if I was simply toying with you? What if I can't feel anything? what if I control what you feel and perceive? Sense Rey, Try to feel me know through the force, Do you feel anything? Do you register anything?"  
Nothing, a void and an abyss. An emptiness in his place.  
"Then tell me if it was real, Tell me if you were lying to me" she took him by the hems of his dress, it was easier for her to physically act on her frayness than mentally handle It.  
"Everything, everything you felt those times, over and over, Everything was just a ruse, Rey. A well crafted lie to lure you in and you believed it, you gave up on Han, on everything, for some false hope of redemption" he calmly spit back "I bet with the right push, the right amount of pressure, you will eventually give up on the resistance as well"  
Rey knew by now that Kylo Ren knows how to hurt well, how to cut deep and leave one speechless

 _'But not like this. Never like this_ ' his words, they burn. this was worse than their interrogation, their first encounter,worst than what Snoke could ever do

 _'Did I give up on Han? Did he take me for such a fool?'_ she found herself questioning

Her eyes sting, but no, she wouldnot give him the satisfaction, No.  
Before she could recompose, raise up the shields around herself , he bolted in lightspeed, taking her by surprise, cornering her against a wall, in a world they neither made nor knew how to hold or unbuild.  
"Or perhaps, you yearn for something more" he mocks her, he sniggeres as he leans towards her, reminding her how imposing his physicality was against hers.  
"Stay away from me" she hisses

"Oh, Rey, scared are you? that the Jedi teachings wouldnot protect you from me or from yourself, that the consecrated texts will fail you. Don't worry, Rey, I'll be gentle. I will break you gently" he roars in her face

She turned her face from him, her chin lifted in indignation

"Don't Say another word" she whispered "Do not say another damn word"  
Then, He laughed hard, mirthless and bitter as she sniffled her unshed tears

 _'Your resolve' he thought 'is magnificent, frightening in its strength_ '  
However, she surprised him when she joined in his laughter, it was an empty unmusical sound

"Nothing breaks gently as you think"

She tilted her head back towards him, chin lifted still, before taking his head in her hands, angling and lowering it to her, never looking away from his eyes.  
The resolve in her eyes, it broke him as she locked lips with him.  
 _'Perhaps, it is you who is yearning for more Kylo Ren' She mutely spat 'Perhaps, it is your resolve that is pathetically weak' she continued to taunt 'and perhaps this, this connection as twisted and sick as it is, as tainted as you made it through your lies and manipulation was your only chance, your last salvage from the Loneliness that is eating you alive_ '  
And as gentle as she was with him, He was hurting under her touch, against his resolve never to ... he couldn't muster himself, yet he couldnot pull away from her, either And no, he didn't want to.

' _And perhaps, I was your only chance'_ her mind faltered just a little bit at that.

Before he knew it, she thrust him away from her, repelling him as far away from her as possible in their virtual realm.  
'I am stronger than I look' she smiled as she broke away their connection

 _'And I am weaker than you will ever expect'_ he resigned knowing fully well that he lost. It was a sunken battle from the start, he realised now.  
The bond closed in on them, suffocated them in an eerie deep Blue. What is left of them, of their bond is a pinhole, a point that shimmers weakly, like a faraway star one can hardly see from vantage point.


End file.
